


Going Through Motions

by BearWithAHat



Series: the shortcomings of soulmates [2]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Arguing, Crying, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Unhealthy Relationships, crying onto lance strolls shoulder, not exactly a happy ending but not really a sad one either, so I guess there's just an ending?, unhappy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27018541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BearWithAHat/pseuds/BearWithAHat
Summary: They try their best to make it work and pretend they don't long for something else.
Relationships: Esteban Ocon/Lance Stroll, Esteban Ocon/Max Verstappen
Series: the shortcomings of soulmates [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1971838
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	Going Through Motions

**Author's Note:**

> so if you've read my other soulmate au, which is a precursor to this one sort of, you will know that I have always disliked soulmate aus and I decided to try my hand at writing one. I'm in the mood to write sad fic because of something happening in my personal life and alas here we are sjsjsj, I decided to write about one of the pairings in my last soulmate au fic.
> 
> this is not a happy fic at all, and none of this is healthy behavior or representative of a healthy relationship. I'm aware of that and wrote it to be like this so if unhealthy relationships isn't what you like reading about, then perhaps don't read this one

Esteban knew very well that he and Max didn't get along; the day Max got pushy with him on television wasn't exactly hard to forget, they generally avoided one another, and Esteban didn't bother to hide his annoyed looks whenever they crossed paths. If he was being honest, Esteban would have been perfectly fine to never speak to the Dutchman again, although the way they were able to push each other's buttons did sometimes make him laugh.

Any of the humor in their feud quickly dissipated for Esteban when they ran into each other, quite literally, and made the worst possible discovery. Esteban furrowed his brow and gave Max a glare when he accidentally bumped into him. Sure, they both could be to blame since Esteban hadn't been paying attention to his surroundings, but Esteban wasn't about to pass up another catalyst for his dislike of Max.

"Watch it," Max shot over his shoulder. His tone and facial expression clearly made no attempt to hide his irritation, especially when he saw who it was that he ran into.

"Not my fault that you can't be bothered to look where you're going," Esteban scoffed in return.

Max looked like he was about to say something when he got a wide eyed look on his face and clutched his wrist, glancing wildly between his arm and Esteban, who stood astounded in front of him. He was going to ask a question until he felt a dreaded tingly warmth on the inside of his left arm.

Esteban felt a sickly feeling in his stomach as he too looked at his wrist carefully, stroking a finger over the distinct little mark that was beginning to show up. There was nothing either of them could do about it as they were resigned to stand there and watch fate in action. If there was such a thing as fate, or a higher power at all, Esteban was convinced that whoever was calling the shots must have hated him in particular.

In a matter of just a few drawn out seconds, the two of them had their identifying marks, locking them into the knowledge that they were soulmates despite their dislike of one another. 

Esteban looked up to see Max with the same bewildered appearance that he was sure he was sporting too. Before the Dutchman could step forward and say something, Esteban spun around on his heel and darted away, unsure of where he was going. All he knew was that he had to keep going until he found somewhere that wasn't so open and public. He could feel thick tears threatening to spill down over his cheeks, and Esteban tried his best to wipe them on his sleeve as he blindly pushed the nearest door open.

The Frenchman found himself in a bathroom, which was thankfully deserted so he could quit holding back tears. Esteban quietly began to cry and locked himself behind one of the doors. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes while he took shallow, frantic breaths and let his frustration and anger out.

Finding your soulmate was one of those days that people made out to be some huge miracle, some happy occasion that you would never forget and would carry close to your heart for the rest of your life. Although he hadn't exactly been yearning for that magical day to come, Esteban figured it wouldn't have been so disappointing and he certainly didn't expect his soulmate would be one of the last people he would want to spend his life with.

The violently ill feeling in his stomach became too much to handle. Esteban heard someone else coming into the bathroom as he knelt over the toilet and coughed up acid that left a bad taste in his mouth and an uncomfortable feeling in his head.

"Are you alright?" the concerned voice of his teammate was muffled by the door between them. 

Esteban stood up and kept his head down as he pushed the door open and walked past Daniel, making a beeline for the sink and wetting a paper towel to wipe his face off. He sniffled a few times and looked up at his reflection; the sad and tired looking face staring back at him made Esteban feel embarrassed at having been found crying in a bathroom.

"I'm fine," Esteban replied in his best attempt at a calm voice, "I just need to sleep for a bit or something." He threw the towel away and rushed out of the bathroom before Daniel could say anything more or ask what was wrong.

He walked at a quick pace and didn't hesitate to go outside even though it had begun to rain. The cold raindrops soaked Esteban as he shivered and kept going, knowing exactly who he needed to find in that moment. There was only one person who he trusted and felt safe to turn to when he was so upset and all he could think about was finding his friend quickly. A few people gave him some odd looks, but Esteban didn't even look at them and just kept going.

Esteban was on the verge of tears again as he wandered around and blinked away the heavy raindrops that gathered on his eyelashes. It never bothered him how large the tracks were in their entirety until now, when he was trying to find someone and somewhere specific in the cold rain.

When he did eventually find Lance's little temporary home, Esteban knocked loudly on the door and wrapped his arms around himself. There were a few seconds of silence and nothingness, and Esteban was worried that the Canadian wasn't there until the door creaked open and the familiar face of his friend peeked out.

"Holy shit you're soaked, come in," Lance gasped, pulling Esteban inside and shutting the door behind them. Esteban awkwardly stood there with water dripping off of himself as Lance disappeared into another room, emerging with a towel.

"I need to talk to you," Esteban choked. He gratefully accepted the towel and rubbed his hair and face as dry as he could get it. The water had soaked into his clothes and he tried to dry himself off, but he was still damp and shivering even when the towel was wet too. 

"I figured, seeing as you came in the rain. Let me get you something else to wear though," Lance disappeared once more before Esteban could protest.

Lance tossed a pair of sweatpants and a shirt to him when he returned, and Esteban blushed and muttered a shy thanks. The younger sat down and was occupied by something on his phone while Esteban peeled his wet shirt off and shrugged on the dry, soft one that Lance had given him. It smelled vaguely like the subtle cologne Lance used, and Esteban couldn't help but press his nose against the fabric as he pulled it on. 

That was how things always went between them; they were close enough to change clothes a few feet away from each other without any awkwardness. There was just a quiet understanding between them and Esteban appreciated Lance much more than he knew how to verbalize.

He struggled to get his wet jeans off and felt much more comfortable in the clothes Lance had given him. Once Esteban was dressed and dry, Lance pulled him over to sit on the bed and lay down. Esteban gladly lay next to him, at first just staring up at the ceiling until he started to tear up again and Lance pulled him closer to hug him. Esteban hid his face against Lance's chest and fisted a hand into the material of his shirt, clinging to him as he softly cried.

"Do you want to talk about whatever is making you so sad?" Lance asked quietly, patting his back with one hand.

Esteban exhaled shakily and did his best to pull himself together well enough to put it into words. "Yeah," he said, "that's why I came to you."

"I found out that Max, as in Max Verstappen, is my soulmate," Esteban began weakly. He heard Lance draw in a tense breath and felt the arms around him tighten, as if Lance was afraid that something bad would happen if he let go of Esteban. It made Esteban feel safer yet all the more upset that Lance hadn't turned out to be his soulmate.

"And you know how much I don't get along with him. We bumped into each other and did our usual glaring and talking shit and then it happened. That stupid little mark burned itself onto me and I ran away from him and to a bathroom and got sick about it," Esteban choked out, his sobs muffled by Lance pressed against him. He squeezed his eyes shut and knew his tears were seeping into Lance's shirt but he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it.

"Hey, hey just breathe for a moment," Lance murmured to him. The tone of his voice was gentle and comforting but Esteban could hear a trace of sadness in his words.

Although they had never said anything about it, they had both lived with the hope of being each other's soulmate. Their friendship had brought them close together over the years and had begun budding into something greater when they reached the age where most people met their person. The way Lance smiled at him when he subtly flirted with him always sent Esteban's heart racing. When Lance stood just close enough for their hands to brush against each other, Esteban was unable to hold back a smile and stop his cheeks from flushing a light pink.

There was never any tension between them; rather it was like they were dancing around the fact that they wanted something greater and were waiting for nature to give them a push in the right direction.

But now things hadn't played out like that at all. Esteban had found his soulmate, but it wasn't who he wanted to expected it to be, and Lance was still left without one. 

"I wish it was you," Esteban breathed out after a few minutes. He was tired of pretending he didn't love Lance and he figured he had nothing to lose now.

A quiet moment passed before Lance responded, "so do I."

Esteban felt another sob run through him as he mourned for what never was between him and Lance. He hadn't known it was possible to feel like he had lost something that he had never had in the first place. It was just another thing piling up on him and he let it all out as he lay there with Lance. The younger brushed a hand through his hair and shushed Esteban quietly, and the feeling of Lance holding him was the only thing that helped Esteban in that moment.

"I guess things don't always go the way we want them to though," Lance whispered to him. He patted Esteban's back like he was a baby and Esteban quieted down after a few more minutes of being held by him.

"Yeah. I just wasn't expecting this," Esteban sniffled. He peeked up at Lance and nuzzled his nose against his neck, unable to stop himself from giving in to what they both wanted just a little bit. Lance drew in a breath and clutched at Esteban's back as he did so.

"Me neither. I don't exactly know if you wanted me to give you advice or just cry with you, but it's up to you what you do now. If you want to try to make things work with Max, then go for it. But don't feel like you have to try to love him just because he's your soulmate. It wouldn't be the first time in history that two soulmates didn't end up with each other," Lance explained to him, rolling to lay on his back and pulling Esteban to lay on top of him.

Esteban considered what he had said and let out a deep sigh. There was no easy way to adapt to finding out that Max was his soulmate and Esteban wasn't sure what path he wanted to go down. He thought about a future where he did fall in love with Max and stayed together with him. But he also thought about a future where he didn't love Max but still tried to be with him. Then there was the possibility of ignoring the marks on their wrists and completely going their separate ways.

That idea managed to sound both liberating and disheartening. Esteban and Max didn't get along; it would make sense to assume that they would be miserable if they tried to maintain a relationship just because they had marks on their skin that meant they were soulmates.

On the other hand, Esteban considered that if they went their separate ways, he would always wonder what might have been if he attempted to love his soulmate. It was a question with no easy answer and thinking about it made his head hurt.

"Oh, I don't know what I'll do," Esteban wailed, resting his head on Lance's chest again and squeezing his eyes shut. His head throbbed, his throat was dry, and he felt lightheaded from crying. He wasn't even sure what time it was or how long he had been laying with Lance.

Lance gently pushed him off and got up off the bed to wander over to the mini fridge, where he pulled out a water bottle. Esteban wiped his tears on the back of his hand and smiled weakly as Lance handed him the bottle. The water was cool and soothing to his dehydrated self, and Esteban felt a little bit better after drinking half of it.

"You are staying the night with me and we are just going to go to sleep and not think about this for a few hours. It won't make all your problems go away, but it can make you feel better for just a bit," Lance decided out loud as he picked up a thick blanket from the corner of the room before coming to sit beside Esteban once more.

Esteban wished he could have put into words how much he appreciated Lance. Instead all he could do was throw his arms around the Canadian and embrace him tightly, murmuring something under his breath in his native tongue. Lance rubbed his shoulder and encouraged him to lay back down, setting the bottle of water on the nightstand. 

The two of them lay down again and Lance draped the blanket over them. Esteban was too tired to care about not sleeping under the sheets; it was also comfortable to lay on top of the soft covers and the blanket Lance had brought was comforting. It was soft and warm and the weight of it made Esteban feel ready to fall asleep.

Esteban cuddled up against Lance's side and tucked himself nearly against him. He felt Lance wrap an arm around him and the two of them were silent once Lance turned the lamp off. The warmth of the blanket and being curled up with Lance made Esteban feel at ease enough to close his eyes and let his troubles go for a little bit. It didn't take him very long to drift off into a deep sleep, worn out from an emotionally taxing day that he would have to confront in the morning.

* * *

When he woke up with Lance the next morning, Esteban wasn't surprised that he still felt quite bad. He was tired as if he hadn't slept through the whole night and the fact that he couldn't just sleep off what had happened with Max and wake up the next day and be fine made him feel irritated.

Lance had been kind enough to put up with him crying more while they ate breakfast, and it was when Esteban was about to leave that Lance pulled him into another firm embrace and dried his tears.

"I think I'm going to try to talk to Max. Maybe if we just hear each other out and really try to get over whatever arguments we've had, he really will be my soulmate," Esteban murmured with a slight bit of hope.

Lance nodded and rubbed his arm with a slightly pained smile. It was obvious how much it hurt him to see Esteban in his present scenario. "You don't have to do that, you know. We could be together even if there's no mark," he pleaded, his smile faltering and making Esteban feel another deep pang of sorrow in his chest.

"I know, Lance, I know. But I want to be with my soulmate. I don't know why, I just feel like it wouldn't be right for me to just abandon him like that, even if it isn't what I wanted at first. I want to kiss my soulmate, hold hands and make love and have a life together, and Max is my soulmate. I can't explain it, I just have to try to make things work with him," Esteban responded in a shaky tone, leaning to rest his forehead against Lance's.

"I could kiss you too," Lance breathed out.

"I know. I wish I could kiss you. I just can't."

Esteban said goodbye to his friend after that and headed out on his way to find Max. He showered and changed into his own clothes once more and then met the Dutchman.

It went disastrously. Just like Esteban had when their marks had appeared, Max ran away from him the second he approached. Max took one look at him, made the most irritated face yet, and took off at a quick pace. He didn't look back over his shoulder and Esteban stood rooted to the spot.

That was how it went at first. Max refused to talk to Esteban; in fact he didn't even acknowledge the Frenchman. When Esteban passed by him, he looked at Max and tried to catch his attention. Max just stared straight ahead and kept walking; not once did he turn his head or even flicker his eyes in Esteban's direction. When Esteban called out his name or tapped his shoulder, Max suddenly became deaf and didn't notice anything. It was as if Esteban didn't exist.

Esteban took it as a personal challenge eventually. He started ignoring Max too. Instead of looking at him or trying to talk to Max, Esteban just walked on by and didn't acknowledge him at all. Esteban didn't know why, but he was determined to get Max's attention.

"Why are you still doing this to yourself?" Lance asked him one day. Esteban had come to visit him after another day of ignoring Max in return.

"Because I want to. If I ignore him, it'll piss him off. Max's ego can't stand that kind of thing, so he will have to do something, meaning he'll talk to me," Esteban explained to him. Once again they were curled up on the bed together, and Esteban knew what Lance was about to ask next just from the look on his face.

"No, I meant why are you still trying to be with him? It's not working out and it's just hurting you guys," Lance pleaded with him. He kept his arm around Esteban and looked at him with a concerned gaze. The warm depths of his brown eyes were the only thing that made Esteban feel human again at the end of the long day.

"Because I want to. I want to try to make it work and this is the only way I can figure out how to do it," Esteban whispered, tears prickling at the edge of his eyes. Sometimes he too wondered why he was so adamant in trying to make things better with Max.

Lance simply sighed and said no more.

As predicted, Max got tired of Esteban returning his silent treatment. He approached him with a scowl one day and finally gave in to talking. Esteban smiled and told him to sit down.

They talked, they got angry, and they fought worse than ever before, but they agreed to _try._

As much as they tried, it seemed like the only thing they were succeeding at was creating a war between them. Esteban and Max were at each other's throats whenever they tried to talk. Weeks went by where every day had Esteban feeling more drained than the previous because of how much energy he was putting into yelling fits with Max. They cried, the screamed and they insulted each other so horribly it made Esteban want to slap the sly little smirk off of Max's face when he managed to hit close to home.

Clearly Max felt the same one day.

They had been walking together, one of their better attempts at easing into being a couple from being bitter enemies. Max was doing his best to have a respectful conversation and Esteban was doing his best to keep his tone in check and not say anything snappy. So far, it had gone alright. They had walked with each other for a few minutes before something set them off. 

Esteban wasn't sure what he had said that started it, but in just a few minutes, the two of them were raising their voices and glaring like they had done for weeks now.

"You think I wanted to end up with _you_ as my fucking soulmate?" Max barked at him, taking a step back, "I'd rather date a rat, asshole."

The obscenities were nothing new to either of them. They had heard the worst from one another and it wasn't always the words, but rather the message behind them, that cut deep. Max made it abundantly clear that he thought Esteban was some vile thing that was attempting to lodge itself into his gut. 

"Damnit Max, you're not exactly who I wanted in life either, okay?" Esteban whispered in a harsh tone when they noticed others staring at them. They had notably attracted attention over the past few weeks with their arguing and glares. It was embarrassing, but Esteban found that between his fits with Max and the pressure of racing, he didn't have the energy to be embarrassed by it.

"Everything you say makes me want to slap you across the room," Max said through gritted teeth. He angrily clenched his fist and raised his hand halfway as if he was legitimately going to hit him, and Esteban gasped and stepped back. 

He felt hurt despite the fact that nobody had actually hit him. Max took a step back and looked down in shock at his hand, unfurling his fingers and inspecting the lines of his palm. Esteban didn't know what to say and he watched Max look from his hand and up to him.

"Esteban I...I'm sorry. I wasn't going to hit you and I shouldn't threaten to," Max apologized to him, and Esteban could hear his voice crack. 

At first, he wasn't sure what to say in response. He could see tears threatening to spill over Max's cheeks and for the first time, Esteban felt that he was seeing Max be vulnerable. For the first time, he saw past the tough exterior and into a softer, more genuine side of Max.

He realized that he should probably say something so that Max wasn't just watching him stare in shock. It took Esteban a few moments to find his words again.

"It's okay," it wasn't okay, Esteban knew that, but he said it anyways and stepped closer to offer his hand to Max, "I'm sorry for yelling at you so much...I'm so sorry."

Max took his hand and for the first time, they stood with one another and didn't fight or argue. They just stood hand in hand until they started to walk again, and they kept walking together. Esteban didn't know where they were going, but he just followed Max.

"I'm sorry too. We've both done each other wrong and I'm just as guilty as you are," Max said in a shy tone. 

They kept walking, and Max led him all the way back to his housing. Esteban gladly followed and wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel. It seemed as though they had reached a turning point. He managed to feel both happy and nervous at the same time.

He and Max were making a step toward being what soulmates were supposed to be, but it came at the price of a love that he could have had. Any possibility of a future with Lance was now completely out of the picture as Max led Esteban into his room. 

"So...we're going to be together?" Max whispered as they sat down on the bed. He still held onto Esteban's hand and there was a look of confusion on his face.

"If you want to. I mean, I figured if we're soulmates, we should be together. It's fate, or destiny or whatever," Esteban said, "and I don't know if I could just leave my soulmate."

From that day on, they once more _tried_. Max and Esteban held hands when they walked down the pit lanes, they kissed one another on the cheek even if they didn't feel any butterflies from it, and they slept in the same bed together. And as much as they tried, it was so utterly unfulfilling to Esteban.

When Max grabbed his hand, it didn't make him feel safe and happy. Max's hands weren't warm and soft, rather they were very clammy and it felt unnatural to interlock their fingers together. When Max put his arm around him at night, it didn't feel homely or lull him to sleep. It just felt like added weight that made Esteban sweat. When Max kissed his cheek, it didn't make his cheeks flush and sprout a flower in his chest.

Esteban couldn't find the love in it. He knew Max didn't either. Max didn't get satisfaction from holding his hand and he didn't feel complete when Esteban rested his head on his chest at night; Max didn't smile after they kissed each other's cheeks and he couldn't hide the looks that he gave to his old teammate.

They had gone from ignoring each other, to fighting, and now they had grown to be civil and respectful. But they weren't in love. There was no passion and feelings other than an indifference and learned respect for each other. Esteban wasn't even sure they were friends. He and Max went through the motions of loving each other but it wasn't what had ever come to mind when Esteban thought about _soulmates._

Still, Max and Esteban did their best to be soulmates. They spent most evenings together, except for when Esteban went to spend time with Lance, which he pretended wasn't a way for him to get the affection he and Max lacked. Esteban wouldn't admit to himself that he found solace in Lance's arms and often thought about what would have happened if he had let Lance kiss him.

Esteban was sitting on the side of Max's bed one evening, changing into something to sleep in, when Max came into the room and sat next to him. Max put his hand on Esteban's shoulder and leaned in like he was going to kiss his cheek. He stopped short when he was only a few centimeters away and instead softly pressed his lips against Esteban's neck.

"Oh..." Esteban murmured, closing his eyes and leaning his head slightly to the side. The feeling was nicer than he expected. It was by no means earth-shattering, it didn't send delightful shivers down his spine, but the feeling of Max gently kissing his neck wasn't exactly unenjoyable.

Max seemed shy at first until Esteban put a hand on his back and let out an easy sigh. The Dutchman continued to press his lips in brief, soft kisses down Esteban's neck. When he pulled away, Max put a hand under his chin and seemed to be nonverbally asking for permission for something.

"Can I kiss you?" Esteban asked for him.

"Yeah."

Esteban closed his eyes and leaned forward and it started as perhaps the most awkward kiss to ever happen. The frenchman accidentally hit his nose against Max's at first and they both cringed. When they did finally get their lips pressed together, Esteban had to consciously will himself not to instantly pull away.

Max's lips were firm and strange against his. Esteban did his best to forget it and tangled a hand into Max's hair, moving in time with Max's lips and letting Max push him back onto the mattress.

As Max kissed him, Esteban thought about what he imagined Lance's full lips to feel like. He imagined running his slender fingers through Lance's dark hair while Lance kissed him. Esteban didn't deny himself the pleasure of pretending it was Lance's hands running down his sides as Max parted his lips, and he knew that Max was most likely picturing someone else too.

They tried their best to make it work and pretend they don't long for something else, but they knew that they would never love each other. Their winter would never become spring.

**Author's Note:**

> too yeah asdfs there's some sad content for myself. it made me feel a little bit better and I can only hope that it was a decent read!! :0)
> 
> as always you can find me on Tumblr @esteboo-ocon


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